Ever wonder which heretic from history you'd most likely be BFF's with? Well, my friend, you're in luck! Just answer a few short questions, then sit back and discover your theological doppelgänger.
The Bible is...
The inerrant/infallible Word of God. A curious mix of history and fiction. Good, but not as good as other inspired books. A book that Christians don't understand. A book that pairs well with a beer.
"Born again" means...
I must confess my sins and ask Jesus into my heart. Waking up after a night of drinking. I must change my thinking about God. Nothing. I was born right the first time. Something different to everyone. Huh? That's a Christian thing, right?
If you could be any character in the Bible, who would you be?
Being a Christian means...
Being the reflection of Love in the world, because God is Love. Following the Word of God, which is Christ. Reminding the world it is hellhound without Jesus. Confirming the Westminster Confession of Faith. Living out the Sermon on the Mount. "Christian" is just a label. Being a mystic. Or someone who loves castles.
Why did Jesus have to die?
Because all people die. If you're asking why God had Jesus die on a cross, then you're sick. That was a murder. Plain and simple. To assuage the wrath of God. Duh! Have you even read the Westminster Confession of Faith? So that Mary Magdalene could be the first to witness the Resurrection. God hates you. That's why. Now shut up! So that Aslan could destroy Jadis and restore Narnia to its proper state. So that we can all live in a castle some day. So they could drink during the Last Supper.
What's up with the Bible?
Lots of violence! I love it! It's the word of God, and it makes a great weapon to hit people over the head with. Well, I love to pour a pint and have a good go of it. But some of those later books like James and Jude? They gotta go! Written by filthy devils, those books! The Bible doesn't exist. Only the Gospel of Mary exists. I love the Sermon on the Mount. Some of the other stuff? Not so much. It reminds me of The Lion, the Witch, and The Wardrobe. Like...a lot! Not enough castles. Lots of mysticism though. About the same thing that's up with the Koran.
What are your thoughts on non-Christians?
Simple. They burn. The whole lot of them. Forever and ever to the glory of God. "Christian" is just one more label among many that we need to transcend. You mean Catholics? Those dirty swine! Now pour me a drink, you devil... The only true Christians are the followers of Mary Magdalene. Everything else is a fourth-century invention by a select group of men. Huh? What did you say? I was busy admiring the beautiful architecture of this castle. I can't help but see God in everything. Sad that they locked themselves in hell from the inside.
If you could have lunch with anyone in history, who would it be?
No one but Jesus Christ, our Lord. All others are totally depraved to the glory of God. Mr. Tumnus. I hear he makes a delightful tea. Pope Leo X, so I could throw a beer in that devil's face! The disciple, Arjuna, of course. Maybe Krishna. But no meat, no matter what. I have so many questions about Jesus so who else but his wife, Mary? John Piper, so we can both make fun of Rob Bell. Pope Gregory XV, for obvious reasons.
Wrathful. Oh, so very wrathful. Known by many names in different cultures. Also a lover of castles...like me. About 95 different things.
The second person of the Trinity. The best picture we have of who God really is. Gonna come back and whoop your ass. Someone Servetus should have taken more seriously. Someone I'd love to grab a drink with.
If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?
The Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil Just the Tree of the Knowledge of Evil. A fig tree, cursed and alone. Who cares what kind of tree, as long as it's in the shape of a cross. Hops. Do hops grow on trees?
If you were an animal, you'd be a...
Unicorn. I kind of missed the Ark. Whale. Ready to swallow prophets whole. Donkey. Humble yet mighty ready to carry our Lord and Savior. Dove. It carries your gnostic thoughts directly to the demiurge above. Woodpecker. It has a hard beak for hammering. Phoenix. It will rise from the fiery ashes like a repentant sinner. Lion. Obviously, like the lion of Judah. Bunny Rabbit. You can navigate the perils of empire with a jump to the left or standing stock still in meditation.
What is your favorite book in the Bible?
Song of Songs. I like the sexy parts. Leviticus, Because rules are LIFE. 1 Timothy. Obviously, because I enjoy having people dislike me. Revelation, because it's like the best science fiction ever. No written words are needed to convey our devotion. The Gospel of John with its many mansions. The Bible? Let's go for something else.
I'm pretty sure that Jesus spoke...
English, the language of Shakespeare. Latin. Obviously the only civilized option. Greek, because Jesus sounded like Plato. Aramaic, because of something Mel Gibson did once. Hindi, because Jesus went to India. Spanish, because "Jesus" said in Spanish is soooo much better than English. German, because Jesus spoke with harsh gutterals. Whatever language it was, he was fiery towards the sinners in his midst.
What is the best Bible movie ever?
"The Life of Brian" because a sense of humor is essential! That one on TNT where Jesus speaks with an English accent. "The Last Temptation of Christ" because it's sexy. Any movie where priests can marry. "The Greatest Story Ever Told" because it's American. "Prince of Egypt" because of the haunting lyrics. "Vision" because a movie about Hildegard is as good as a movie about Jesus. "Ben-Hur" because, well, Charlton Heston.
What are your thoughts on the Heretic Happy Hour podcast?
The what? I can't hear anything over the cries of these hellbound reprobates writhing about in the flames of hell (to the glory of God). Never listened. I was too busy with my whirling dervish and musical endeavors. String 'em up next to Servetus. I wish they had never stepped foot in Geneva, those deniers of Christ! It was much better with Jamal Jivanjee. Love it! Almost as much as I loved my time with the Pevensie children. I like when they talk about the Sermon on the Mount. I listen to that stuff twice a day. All the rest? Not sure. Not mystical enough. Also, they need to do an episode on castles.
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